very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
