Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm always down for nudity.
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