We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
