Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
