Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I just googled if crying burns calories
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
