also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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