My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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