I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize