I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
