gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
