listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You need Xanax blowdarts
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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