um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize