why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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