Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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