Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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