Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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