just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
