he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
