By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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