I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
