One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
