I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
