you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
