My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
