Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize