I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I know her cup size but not her name....
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
