Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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