I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
