is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
