4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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