so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
