Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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