I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You can't motorboat a personality
Slut skills are useful in every country.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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