I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she told me i tasted like america
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize