white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
