Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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