i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
