His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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