I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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