I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
