Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
