I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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