I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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