First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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