you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
