He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
