There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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