I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
How's work?
Spinning.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
