I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
