I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
