i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I need a burrito and a hug.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
