i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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