Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Randomize
