I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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