I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
