That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
