your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
