you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
