I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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