if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
