the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
