My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
