You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
