so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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