Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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