man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
