i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I have post one night stand depression
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