He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
