i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I got her a Nickelback box set.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
