May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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